24 December 2011

Secret Keeping

My first Christmas that I was married was spent in Colorado at my in-law's house.
One family Christmas tradition that they have is "Secret Buddy Gifts", where everyone gets a name and buys a gift for that person.
With 12 people plus me, that tradition makes sense so that everyone doesn't have to worry about finding gifts for 11 other people.
Well, my husband told me about this tradition.
Except for the "secret" part.
So I happened to blab about who our secret person was, and to this day, I still get mocked for it.
Out of all honesty, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret.
My family does the same tradition, but ours aren't secret.

How was a girl supposed to know?

So, this is only one instance of many where I accidentally let something loose when it should have been kept tightly locked up.

I happen to be a really bad unintentional secret-keeper.

Here's another great example.

One night, Clayton was playing on the xbox with one of his work buddies.
They were playing online so they could hear each other.
I'm not sure what the point of that is, really.
Anyway, the point is that they could hear each other.
Me, still being very un-pregnant, just had found out something.
If we happened to get pregnant this time around in December, we would have a baby right around our wedding anniversary.
Not wanting Clayton's buddy to hear, I sent that fact over a text message to Clayton.
Except I didn't send it to Clayton, I sent it to my sister-in-law, Angela.

As soon as I realized who it was sent to, I immediately went into panic mode.
I tried canceling the text, retracting it, everything. No such thing.
That should really be an option on a smart phone.

So, the deed was done.
That dastardly message was sent to Angela, one of the most important people to NOT find out we are trying to have a baby.

She texted back, and my heart sank.
I was so so so sad.
I just wanted this to be a big, wonderful surprise to everybody.

As I started to think of how to tell her not to tell a soul,
my mind went into panic mode and I tried to cover it up as much as possible and denied all of it.
I am horrible at lying.

I felt awful.
I knew she didn't believe me and I didn't want to make her feel like I could just lie to her and get away with it.
That's an awful feeling to have.
But....I really wanted it to be a secret.
It's not like it's a bad secret, I think the reasoning behind it is wholesome. Right?
My ethics were challenged.
I still have that nasty feeling.
I hate negative feelings between anyone.

Thankfully, she dropped it and nothing has been spoke of since.
Everything feels normal. Bless her heart.
When she reads this, I hope she knows how bad I feel.
Bad situation that I got myself into.
It was my fault.
But it will be worth it.

By the way, we still aren't pregnant.

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