Scared, again.

9 days.
That's all that is left of my lovely pill pack.
Grateful, because those things make me sick sometimes.
Grateful, because it's annoying to take a pill everyday. I forgot mine today...doubling up tomorrow.
Grateful, because that stuff is expensive!
Grateful, because I won't need to "worry" about becoming pregnant anymore.
What a crazy yet exciting feeling.
Sad, because my skin cleared up like magic once I started taking them
Sad, because my ladies sure grew. Ha.

But mostly grateful.
Ahh...what a weird feeling. I can't believe we will be trying to have a baby in less than two weeks.
Clayton and I are trying hard to fit in a Disneyland trip before I get preggers...hopefully it will happen.

Gosh, I am scared.
I wish I could tell someone, so I could get advice or comfort.
I don't know what to expect.
I don't know how my body will react.
...seriously, that terrifies me.

My first brand of birth control pills made me WAY sick.
My doctor said feeling sick was normal, but only for about a few weeks. But I got sick ALL the time.

The first month was awful. I was finishing up the season at Seven Peaks.
Lots of pressure, stress, and deadlines from my boss.
Around 3:00pm everyday, I would get unbelievably nauseous and had to curl up in my office chair to try to maintain somewhat of a composure.
Most of the time, I ended up running out of the Cash Control office to the restroom, and ralphing my lunch.
Whilst ralphing, my eyes would water really bad, so I usually came back to the office with mascara streaks running down my face or somewhat of a disheveled appearance.
It was the worst.
I felt like people thought I was trying to get attention, when really I was trying to be as discreet as possible.
I can't blame them though...really, throwing up EVERYDAY?
A bit excessive?
Yes, it was.
But I couldn't do anything about it.
My doctor told me that it would pass.
Lies.

I began to figure out the times when I felt the most sick, and switched the time I took the pill to late at night.
This way, when I got sick, it would be while I was sleeping.
That helped, but didn't cure it.

I remember when I moved into our first married apartment.
The Froggett's were in town, and we were showing them our house. My mom was there too.
I tried to help entertain our company, but I ended up getting so sick that I had to curl up into a ball on the bed and just lay there.
I remember hearing my mom try to explain to our guests what was wrong with me.

Since the sickness was now lasting more than a month, I came up with other possible reasons as to why I was still so sick - especially in the mornings.
A history of food allergies and intolerances run in my family, so I tried abstaining from dairy products and sugar.
That didn't work.
I thought maybe my body was reacting to being dehydrated in the morning, so I drank large glassfuls of water first thing in the morning.
Didn't work, I just threw that up too.
Must be the pills.

One morning while working at Vanity,
I had the urge to throw up on the sales floor.
I ran to the back in the restroom and puked and puked.
It left me feeling so weak, but I needed the hours and needed to stay at work.
I managed to appear normal for about an hour afterward,
but then had to puke again. I needed to sit down. I couldn't stand up anymore.
I talked to my sweet boss who was more than willing to let me go home. Such a saint.

The pills affected my schooling.
I missed so many early morning classes because
I would be puking my guts out and couldn't make it to class in time.
And I was so weak afterwards that school was the last thing on my mind.
I never emailed my teachers about it, but I think I should have.

In February of this year, I finally changed my prescription for the pills.
Best. Decision. Ever.
If I woke up in the middle of the night, I would feel sick, but nothing during the day.
Mornings were great.
If I missed a pill and had to double up, I would get sick again. But at least it was avoidable.

So....this is why I am scared to get pregnant.
If my body reacted so badly to estrogen-pumped pills,
I can't imagine what it will do when something is actually growing inside of me.
I really really really really really really really want to do well this semester,
so I don't want morning sickness to be so unbearable that I can't attend classes.
I specifically registered for classes that start at or after noon just in case.

I am also taking a Zumba class this semester.
S O  M U C H  F U N, by the way.
I'm hoping a pregnancy won't affect it, but we shall see.

Ahh. So many nervous feelings right now.

I can't wait til it happens so I can actually know what will happen so I can stop stressing about it.
Maybe I will get to look back on all of this and just laugh,
and say "see? you were stressed about nothing."

That will be good.
Yeah.